Beyond The Notes
There comes a point in life when you start to resent everything. The world, the people in it, the way you’re treated and the way life has turned out. You wake up angry. You go to bed angry. Things that wouldn’t have bothered you before suddenly irritate you. You don’t want to answer messages, make conversation or, quite frankly, be around anyone. The worst part is, sometimes you don’t even recognise the person you’ve become.
I have often wondered how someone gets to that point. How does a person go from caring so much about everyone and everything to feeling so much anger towards the world? I have been here, so i’ll explain how I think this happened.
It didn’t happen overnight. It’s the result of years of disappointment, being let down, having your feelings dismissed and watching people carry on with their lives while yours feels like it’s falling apart. You spend years trying to do the right thing. You help people, listen to their problems and put yourself out for others. Then, when your own life starts going wrong, you notice just how quiet everyone becomes. That’s when your opinion of people starts changing.
You begin questioning friendships and remembering situations you once brushed off because you didn't want an argument. The broken promises, the thoughtless comments and the people who disappeared when you needed them. What makes it worse is watching people who have treated others badly getting on perfectly fine with their lives. They’re happy, successful and surrounded by people, while you’re left wondering why everything seems to be such a struggle for you. And sometimes, as horrible as it sounds, you find yourself resenting other people’s happiness. Not because you want anything bad to happen to them, but because you can’t remember the last time you felt genuinely happy yourself. You see people making plans, going on holidays, building careers and looking forward to their futures. Meanwhile, you’re trying to get through another day without something else going wrong.
It’s an awful feeling to admit.
But sometimes what looks like jealousy is actually grief for the life you thought you would have. The opportunities you’ve missed, the things you’ve worked hard for that never happened and the years you’ve lost dealing with problems you never asked for. And then there’s the anger you feel towards yourself.
For putting up with things for too long. For trusting people you shouldn’t have trusted. For not speaking up when you had the chance. You start to replay situations in your head, thinking about what you should have said or done differently. Even when those situations are long over, they still manage to take up space in your mind. I think one of the hardest parts is realising that your anger starts affecting people who don’t deserve it.
Someone asks an innocent question, and you snap! Someone tries to make conversation, and you can’t be bothered. The people closest to you notice you’ve changed, but you haven’t got the energy to explain why. How do you explain years of frustration to someone who only sees your attitude today?
People are quick to tell you that you’ve become negative, miserable or difficult to be around. What they don’t always ask is what happened to make you feel that way. And the advice doesn’t always help.
“Think positive.”
“Other people have it worse.”
“Don’t let it get to you.”
As though you haven’t spent years trying to do exactly that. You know other people have problems. You’re not claiming to have the worse life in the world. But somebody else’s suffering doesn’t make your own circumstances disappear. Sometimes you just want someone to acknowledge that life has been bloody hard without trying to turn it into some motivational speech. The trouble is, after a while, you start expecting disappointment before anything has even happened.
You turn down invitations, keep your thoughts to yourself and assume people will eventually let you down. It’s easier to keep your distance than risk feeling foolish for trusting someone again. But, there’s a difference between protecting your peace and shutting yourself away from everything. - I’ve done both!
I then think that’s something people don’t always realise until they’ve been doing it for years.
You can become so used to being angry, so accustomed to expecting the worst, that even when something good happens, you struggle to enjoy it. You’re already wondering how long it will last.
Maybe the saddest part is missing the person you used to be. The person who laughed more, trusted more and didn’t feel as though every day was another battle to get through.
I’m not going to end this by telling anyone to forgive everybody, forget what’s happened and start thinking positively.
Life doesn't work like that.
Some people have done things that don’t deserve forgiveness. Some situations have consequences that can’t be undone. And some experiences change you permanently. But I do think there comes a point where you have to ask yourself how much more of your life you’re prepared to lose to everything that’s already happened. Not for the benefit of the people who hurt you. Not because the world suddenly deserves your kindness. But because you deserve to experience something other than anger.
I don’t have all the answers, and I don’t believe there’s a simple way to undo years of hurt and disappointment.
What I do believe is that there’s a difference between bring a hateful person and being someone who’s had enough. Sometimes the person who appears to hate the world is just someone who has spent far too long feeling hurt by it. And maybe, more than anything, they’re just tired of having to be strong.
